14 May, 2014

The Throw-Away Girl.

What is a "throw-away" person?

I'm sure that if you Googled it, there you would find a photo of yours truly.

At least, that's what I've always thought, subconsciously.

And that, my friend(s), is the truth of the deepest, darkest hidden places of my heart.

I had never actually put my finger on that notion until this last weekend when nationally known speaker, Lysa TerKeurst, told her story of feeling like a "throw-away person" growing up. In that moment, I squirmed a little because I thought "Man, that's a great way to explain that..." And simultaneously, heard a small voice in the back of my mind say, "That's exactly how you feel....admit it."

So there it is. That is the truth, as I see it.
This is how I have felt for as long as I can remember. And it hasn't been one isolated incident that had caused this belief to take root in my heart - but a series of circumstances over the last 30 years.

Recently, I have realized that I have a tendency to hold onto relationships. In those relationships, I truly believe that I am choosing to be the 'faithful friend' [and I am, to a point], however, in reality ...it gets to a place beyond 'faithful friend', where it morphs into me actually choosing to be naive and give grace when grace is no longer due - all in an effort not to face this. So I don't have to face the fact that I feel worthless. I do it so I don't have to acknowledge the fact that though I very much value this person...it is no longer reciprocated. Maybe it never was. And I find myself in a place where I am constantly being hurt, because I blindly hang on. It sounds crazy to admit (definition of insanity anyone?) that it's easier to deceive myself than to admit that I am not wanted...that I am not valued...that I am not cherished.

Even in this moment, I can think of 3 common scriptures that tell us not to do this:

Matthew 7:6 AMP says, "Do not give that which is holy (the sacred thing) to the dogs, and do not throw your pearls before hogs, lest they trample upon them with their feet and turn and tear you into pieces."

Proverbs 4:23 AMP says, "Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life."

Matthew 10:14 AMP says, "And whoever will not receive and accept and welcome you nor listen to your message, as you leave that house or town, shake the dust of it from your feet."

These three scriptures would indicate that my choosing to deceive myself and continue to lay my pearls out there...is wrong. I am only asking to be torn apart when I do this. Surely there is a reason it says to guard the heart with all vigilance.

I feel like Paul when he says  "Why do I do the things that I do? Ohh, wretched man that I am!"

So, in the midst if this...I am trying to learn that just because someone else no longer sees my worth or value doesn't make me worthless or unworthy of being cherished.

Because I, too, am a faulty and broken person....solely saved by grace.

Drill that into my heart, Oh, God.
Show me truth in the midst of the lies.