22 April, 2012

This is not who I AM.

"I'm so glad we finally got through this identity crisis".

These are the words that a dear friend/mentor/fellow Christ follower said to me yesterday.

You see, I went to Acquire the Fire this weekend, and it was great. But the really interesting thing is the week leading up to it. This last week was pretty intense. Over the course of 5 days I had four vastly different people confront me regarding....my life. And I'm not going to lie, I was a little shocked at first - because typically nobody confronts me [I don't know why]. Suffice it to say, I was in a state of disbelief by the time the fourth person spoke to me...not to mention feeling fairly worn down. ha. Thus, by the time I got to ATF, I was RAW. Which would explain why from the moment the event began Friday until I went to sleep that evening, I cried. And cried. And criiiiiiiiiied. I cried during worship, I cried during the message, I cried trying to eat my dinner in the hotel at 10:30 that night. Are you getting the picture? I was a mess. The thing that kept resounding in my mind was, "This was my life for 4 years! Passionately pursuing and serving the Lord. THIS...person that I have become, is not who I AM! Who have I let myself become?!" [see: 'identity crisis'].

Obviously, there was a breaking that had to happen...and boy, did it happen. Now, to stay in the state of brokenness...to be in a place of accepting the constant refinement... Lord Jesus, help me.

It is interesting to note, by the way, that this week as everything was taking place...I found myself finally turning to the Lord. I literally thought, 'Forget people...' and turning to the Word, sermons, prayer and worship. It's about time, right? Lord, please keep me in this place. It feels like a place of desperation...a hunger that I haven't experienced in a while.

If I may confess something, this weekend also placed a discontentment in me. I deeply miss serving in full-time ministry. I know that people say "your job is a ministry", but, I feel as though although it can be a ministry, it isn't. I can't fully focus, because I have to also focus on marketing the product/company I work for. Yes, it is true that the basis and the foundation of the company I work for is Christ, but, it is still a business that markets a product that does not push the masses to Jesus. Does that make sense? And, I have had a discontentment in my heart with this job for some time, though I cannot pinpoint why. This makes it just a smidge more difficult. Prayers would be appreciated. ( :

I will leave y'all with the lyrics from a song we sang this weekend...which happens to be the cry of my heart right now:

"Sit enthroned upon my heart, with everything You are come live your life in me, reign supremely. I'm not just giving You my sin, but everything within. Come take control and make me holy".

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