15 April, 2012

1 year.

I'm back. Hopefully more often now. I am putting 'BLOG!' on my calendar weekly in attempts to remind myself. ( :

I find it interesting to go back and read my journals from the past. It can be refreshing, or painful, encouraging or challenging. Today I went back through a few journals from this last year. Aye. What a year it was. If I had to give this year a title, it would be the title of a Brooke Fraser song. 'Crows and Locusts'. The lyrics go like this,

"It was the year that the crows and the locusts came.
The fields drained dry the rain...the fields are bleeding.
It was the age, the foxes came for the fields.
We were bleeding as we bowed to kneel...
...and prayed for mercy, prayed for mercy".
This last year felt like a complete decimation of who I say I am, and who the Lord was creating me to be. The crows and the locusts came in various forms...the little foxes invaded (Song of Solomon  2:15) - all causing damage in my life. As I was reading through my journal, I found an entry from last June. It read,

"We often hear people say that they have an addictive personality. If I believed in such a thing, I'm sure I would fit the bill for it. But, alas, I do not, thus I cannot. I suppose when you truly dive into the crux of an 'addictive personality', the truth of it simply is that the person has an affinity for idolatry. For me, I tend to gravitate to the unhealthy means of coping or distraction - which then consumes my mind. Yes, eventually, I become "addicted", per se, and thus their existence in my life makes them an idol. I believe, however, that if I say 'I have an addictive personality' it is simply a cop-out...a way to circumvent personal responsibility. The truth of it is that I, as a human, make choices that are unwise. In the moment, they may seem fulfilling - but over time the frequency and the amount of the (sin) overtakes. Habit...it becomes a habit that simply distracts or fulfills some fleshly longing".
How true I find this to be. It has been a rough year, with trial, temptation, job resignation, unemployment, failure...but, also of incredible relationships, ministry opportunity, growth, and change. And, the Lord is the restorer...the one who rebuilds that which has been torn down.

Today as I was reading through my bible I felt like the words were illuminated and jumping off the page at me. I was struck by a few books in Isaiah. Chapter 54 says,

Vs. 4: "Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced..."

Vs's 7-8: “For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With  a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; but with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,” Says the Lord, your Redeemer"  

Vs 11, 14: “O you afflicted one, tossed with tempest, and not comforted...In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you".
Chapter 55,

Vs's 6-13: Seek the Lord while you can find him.
    Call on him now while he is near.
Let the wicked change their ways
    and banish the very thought of doing wrong.
Let them turn to the Lord that he may have mercy on them.
    Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so my ways are higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
10 “The rain and snow come down from the heavens
    and stay on the ground to water the earth.
They cause the grain to grow,
    producing seed for the farmer
    and bread for the hungry.
11 It is the same with my word.
    I send it out, and it always produces fruit.
It will accomplish all I want it to,
    and it will prosper everywhere I send it.
12 You will live in joy and peace.
    The mountains and hills will burst into song,
    and the trees of the field will clap their hands!
13 Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.
    Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up.
These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name;
    they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”

In reading this today, all I could say, was 'Thank God....thank God'.

Thank God that He is merciful and kind.
Thank God that He is loving and just.
Thank God that He gives and takes away.
Thank God that He disciplines those He loves.
Thank God that He protects His children, even when they are being irresponsible.
Thank God for His irrefutable grace.
Thank God that He woos His beloved back unto Himself...our first love.

[also from my journal]


  1. take heart, my dear. you are not so far from the Lord as you feel/felt... as i was reading your blog, i smiled, because it is so typical that the majority of your post is the Word. you are always learning, always yearning, always reaching out to Him. in weakness and in strength. is this not all He desires?

  2. beautiful. you have such clarity now of what you went through - clearly defined looking back by the Word. HOW powerful. thank you for writing-i love to read it.:)