This is not who I AM.

"I'm so glad we finally got through this identity crisis".

These are the words that a dear friend/mentor/fellow Christ follower said to me yesterday.

You see, I went to Acquire the Fire this weekend, and it was great. But the really interesting thing is the week leading up to it. This last week was pretty intense. Over the course of 5 days I had four vastly different people confront me regarding....my life. And I'm not going to lie, I was a little shocked at first - because typically nobody confronts me [I don't know why]. Suffice it to say, I was in a state of disbelief by the time the fourth person spoke to me...not to mention feeling fairly worn down. ha. Thus, by the time I got to ATF, I was RAW. Which would explain why from the moment the event began Friday until I went to sleep that evening, I cried. And cried. And criiiiiiiiiied. I cried during worship, I cried during the message, I cried trying to eat my dinner in the hotel at 10:30 that night. Are you getting the picture? I was a mess. The thing that kept resounding in my mind was, "This was my life for 4 years! Passionately pursuing and serving the Lord. THIS...person that I have become, is not who I AM! Who have I let myself become?!" [see: 'identity crisis'].

Obviously, there was a breaking that had to happen...and boy, did it happen. Now, to stay in the state of brokenness...to be in a place of accepting the constant refinement... Lord Jesus, help me.

It is interesting to note, by the way, that this week as everything was taking place...I found myself finally turning to the Lord. I literally thought, 'Forget people...' and turning to the Word, sermons, prayer and worship. It's about time, right? Lord, please keep me in this place. It feels like a place of desperation...a hunger that I haven't experienced in a while.

If I may confess something, this weekend also placed a discontentment in me. I deeply miss serving in full-time ministry. I know that people say "your job is a ministry", but, I feel as though although it can be a ministry, it isn't. I can't fully focus, because I have to also focus on marketing the product/company I work for. Yes, it is true that the basis and the foundation of the company I work for is Christ, but, it is still a business that markets a product that does not push the masses to Jesus. Does that make sense? And, I have had a discontentment in my heart with this job for some time, though I cannot pinpoint why. This makes it just a smidge more difficult. Prayers would be appreciated. ( :

I will leave y'all with the lyrics from a song we sang this weekend...which happens to be the cry of my heart right now:

"Sit enthroned upon my heart, with everything You are come live your life in me, reign supremely. I'm not just giving You my sin, but everything within. Come take control and make me holy".

1 year.

I'm back. Hopefully more often now. I am putting 'BLOG!' on my calendar weekly in attempts to remind myself. ( :

I find it interesting to go back and read my journals from the past. It can be refreshing, or painful, encouraging or challenging. Today I went back through a few journals from this last year. Aye. What a year it was. If I had to give this year a title, it would be the title of a Brooke Fraser song. 'Crows and Locusts'. The lyrics go like this,

"It was the year that the crows and the locusts came.
The fields drained dry the rain...the fields are bleeding.
It was the age, the foxes came for the fields.
We were bleeding as we bowed to kneel...
...and prayed for mercy, prayed for mercy".

This last year felt like a complete decimation of who I say I am, and who the Lord was creating me to be. The crows and the locusts came in various forms...the little foxes invaded (Song of Solomon  2:15) - all causing damage in my life. As I was reading through my journal, I found an entry from last June. It read,

6/29
"We often hear people say that they have an addictive personality. If I believed in such a thing, I'm sure I would fit the bill for it. But, alas, I do not, thus I cannot. I suppose when you truly dive into the crux of an 'addictive personality', the truth of it simply is that the person has an affinity for idolatry. For me, I tend to gravitate to the unhealthy means of coping or distraction - which then consumes my mind. Yes, eventually, I become "addicted", per se, and thus their existence in my life makes them an idol. I believe, however, that if I say 'I have an addictive personality' it is simply a cop-out...a way to circumvent personal responsibility. The truth of it is that I, as a human, make choices that are unwise. In the moment, they may seem fulfilling - but over time the frequency and the amount of the (sin) overtakes. Habit...it becomes a habit that simply distracts or fulfills some fleshly longing".

How true I find this to be. It has been a rough year, with trial, temptation, job resignation, unemployment, failure...but, also of incredible relationships, ministry opportunity, growth, and change. And, the Lord is the restorer...the one who rebuilds that which has been torn down.

Today as I was reading through my bible I felt like the words were illuminated and jumping off the page at me. I was struck by a few books in Isaiah. Chapter 54 says,

Vs. 4: "Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced..."

Vs's 7-8: “For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With  a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; but with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,” Says the Lord, your Redeemer"  

Vs 11, 14: “O you afflicted one, tossed with tempest, and not comforted...In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you".
Chapter 55,

Vs's 6-13: Seek the Lord while you can find him.
    Call on him now while he is near.
⁷ Let the wicked change their ways
    and banish the very thought of doing wrong.
Let them turn to the Lord that he may have mercy on them.
    Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously.

⁸ “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
⁹ For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so my ways are higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

¹⁰ “The rain and snow come down from the heavens
    and stay on the ground to water the earth.
They cause the grain to grow,
    producing seed for the farmer
    and bread for the hungry.
¹¹ It is the same with my word.
    I send it out, and it always produces fruit.
It will accomplish all I want it to,
    and it will prosper everywhere I send it.
¹² You will live in joy and peace.
    The mountains and hills will burst into song,
    and the trees of the field will clap their hands!
¹³ Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.
    Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up.
These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name;
    they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”

In reading this today, all I could say, was 'Thank God....thank God'.

Thank God that He is merciful and kind.
Thank God that He is loving and just.
Thank God that He gives and takes away.
Thank God that He disciplines those He loves.
Thank God that He protects His children, even when they are being irresponsible.
Thank God for His irrefutable grace.
Thank God that He woos His beloved back unto Himself...our first love.

[also from my journal]

The begining of the end.

Tonight, I spent time with the Lord for the first time in a while a long time.
I turned on worship music, and began to journal/talk to the Lord.........................and promptly began to weep in repentance as I had revelation on what I have been doing, and who I have become [temporarily].

The crux of it is that have I allowed circumstances in my life to dictate whether or not I was going to trust the Lord.

Yeah.
Did you get that?
Whether or [not] I was going to TRUST the LORD.

This past weekend at church, Pastor Mark spoke about worry.
((Which, by the way, just so happens to be one of my many middle names. Worry, unfaithful, irrational, emotional.....etcetera, etcetera.))
As he began speaking, Pastor Mark shared Proverbs 12: 25 which says,
"An anxious heart weighs a man down...."

And I thought 'My, my....how appropriate', just about the same time I felt Kristin's elbow in my side.

The last six months of my life have been beyond difficult, and really - a lot of it has been self-induced.
My job has I have allowed my job and the insanity that ensues there to affect my heart and mind in ways that I should not have. Had I simply been taking it to the Lord, and spending time with Him - things would not have gotten out of hand. But, alas, I allowed it to drive me away from the Lord, and to other Lovers. Unwise decision, after unwise decision drove me to frustration and the depths of the valley of despair. At the [loving and wise] counsel of a few sweet friends, I began to pursue the avenue of counseling. I have since gone twice, and both times walked away with a Voice resounding in the back of my mind, 'Tara, you know what to do, and you have the tools. Seek MY face, trust ME, and I will work all things out'.

So I have chosen not to go back to counseling, but to pursue the Lord like I did at Teen Mania. Which begs the question 'why did you ever slow down?'.

Who knows?
Well, He knows, even though I am not quite certain....
But, I shall digress.

He led me to the following scripure tonight.

I have chosen to make bold, underline, and italicise the portions that stuck out to me or kind of kicked me in the heart tonight. I shall end with this, and allow the Word to speak for itself.

Enjoy.

1 Peter 2 

¹ So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. ² Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— ³if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.
 ⁴As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, ⁵ you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. ⁶For it stands in Scripture:

    "Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone,
   a cornerstone chosen and precious,
and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame."
 ⁷So the honor is for you who believe, but for those who do not believe,

   "The stone that the builders rejected
   has become the cornerstone,"^[a]
 8and

    "A stone of stumbling,
   and a rock of offense."
   
   They stumble because they disobey the word, as they were destined to do.
 ⁹But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. ¹⁰ Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.
 ¹¹Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. ¹² Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.

Submission to Authority

 ¹³ Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution,^[b] whether it be to the emperor^[c] as supreme, ¹⁴or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. ¹⁵For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. ¹⁶ Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants^[d] of God. ¹⁷ Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.
 ¹⁸ Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. ¹⁹For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. ²⁰For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. ²¹For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. ²² He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. ²³ When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. ²⁴ He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. ²⁵For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.