16 June, 2014
14 May, 2014
I'm sure that if you Googled it, there you would find a photo of yours truly.
At least, that's what I've always thought, subconsciously.
And that, my friend(s), is the truth of the deepest, darkest hidden places of my heart.
I had never actually put my finger on that notion until this last weekend when nationally known speaker, Lysa TerKeurst, told her story of feeling like a "throw-away person" growing up. In that moment, I squirmed a little because I thought "Man, that's a great way to explain that..." And simultaneously, heard a small voice in the back of my mind say, "That's exactly how you feel....admit it."
So there it is. That is the truth, as I see it.
This is how I have felt for as long as I can remember. And it hasn't been one isolated incident that had caused this belief to take root in my heart - but a series of circumstances over the last 30 years.
Recently, I have realized that I have a tendency to hold onto relationships. In those relationships, I truly believe that I am choosing to be the 'faithful friend' [and I am, to a point], however, in reality ...it gets to a place beyond 'faithful friend', where it morphs into me actually choosing to be naive and give grace when grace is no longer due - all in an effort not to face this. So I don't have to face the fact that I feel worthless. I do it so I don't have to acknowledge the fact that though I very much value this person...it is no longer reciprocated. Maybe it never was. And I find myself in a place where I am constantly being hurt, because I blindly hang on. It sounds crazy to admit (definition of insanity anyone?) that it's easier to deceive myself than to admit that I am not wanted...that I am not valued...that I am not cherished.
Even in this moment, I can think of 3 common scriptures that tell us not to do this:
Matthew 7:6 AMP says, "Do not give that which is holy (the sacred thing) to the dogs, and do not throw your pearls before hogs, lest they trample upon them with their feet and turn and tear you into pieces."
Proverbs 4:23 AMP says, "Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life."
Matthew 10:14 AMP says, "And whoever will not receive and accept and welcome you nor listen to your message, as you leave that house or town, shake the dust of it from your feet."
These three scriptures would indicate that my choosing to deceive myself and continue to lay my pearls out there...is wrong. I am only asking to be torn apart when I do this. Surely there is a reason it says to guard the heart with all vigilance.
I feel like Paul when he says "Why do I do the things that I do? Ohh, wretched man that I am!"
So, in the midst if this...I am trying to learn that just because someone else no longer sees my worth or value doesn't make me worthless or unworthy of being cherished.
Because I, too, am a faulty and broken person....solely saved by grace.
Drill that into my heart, Oh, God.
Show me truth in the midst of the lies.
28 April, 2014
C.S. Lewis said:
"Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”"How true is this?
Let's play this out from point of view of the one with the aching heart:
When Thaddeus (ha) walks by me and says, "Hey, how are you?" as he keeps walking, I recognize that this is simply his way of greeting me, rather than desiring a genuine response.
But, if Thaddeus stops and says, "Hey, how are you?" and waits for a response, at that point I am quickly evaluating our relationship and whether or not he desires [or can even handle] an honest response. Most often, my response is a quick, "I'm fine, how are you?"
And occasionally, Thaddeus may respond with, "Fine? Just fine? What's going on?" At this point there are sirens going off in my head, screaming "Can you be honest?! Surely you can't be honest...he wouldn't understand. You know you'll just get the 'pat Christian answer' that makes you want to punch him in the face..." so, at that point I simply respond with, "It's a rough season...but, it's fine. <insert tired smile> How are you?"
And truth be told, I'm really good at [bad at] down-playing things in my life.
I tend to gloss over so much, and am never really honest.
Not because I like to lie, but because I grew up learning that things should always look better than they really are.
And so truth be told, it's not fine.
Presently, nothing feels fine.
I mean, truthfully, at this point in this season, the only thing I know - and need to be reminded of, if I'm honest - is the fact that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Christ Jesus is my firm foundation.
That He is my Strong Tower.
I mean, when the rest of my foundation [from childhood up] and the world around me is crumbling, it simply gives way to show me the steely assurance of my faith [or lack thereof] in Christ.
Because truly, if I don't have Christ, what have I?
If my foundation isn't found in Him ... what would I have to hold onto?
When my world spins out of control, I will run into the Strong Tower, even if it's all I can do.
13 February, 2014
My heart is utterly broken.
There's so much right now.
I trust the Lord...I trust the Lord...
Yet, trusting the Lord doesn't stop grief.
How long, Oh Lord, until you return?
How long, Oh Lord, until you right what's been wronged?
How long, Oh Lord, until you turn the hearts of your wayward sons and daughters?
07 May, 2013
Disclaimer: If you choose to read and comment on this note, by all means, please share your thoughts/feelings. If you choose to propagate ugliness here - know ahead of time that I will not tolerate it (yes, I will be intolerant) and said comment will be deleted. <insert loving smile here> Additionally, this is not written about any one person. Not solely about myself...not about him...or her...or you. It's a conglomeration of observations and things I have been thinking/feeling for some time.
11 January, 2013
29 December, 2012
Truth comes in all shapes and sizes. It comes in ways and manners in which we never would have guessed, and sometimes would not have hoped. Often times, the truth in a situation doesn't change our view on it...though it should. We can be presented the truth a hundred times, but if we aren't actively seeking it out or desiring it, we may cast it to the wayside as petty. Or ignorant. Or bothersome. As Christ-followers, we should always be seeking TRUTH and desiring to live it. If truth/life is layed before us and we respond with disdain because we don't 'feel' it, that should set off an alarm within us. If we have become so calloused or hardened by sin that truth no longer penetrates our hearts, that should be cause for concern and move us to the foot of the cross. Only He can soften our hearts and only He can give us the revelation we need. Only He can set is free from our sin...even when we have justified it so far that we no longer think it's sin. (John 8:32)
What situation in your life are you hearing the truth in, but refusing to allow it to bring change?